au revoir life plans

I used to LOVE to write these life plans. More than anything I think I found the possibilities of many different roads and outcomes appealing. At 19, my whole life is literally at my fingertips. The freedom that I have RIGHT NOW, I will never experience again. If I decided I wanted to pick up and move to an island, I could. NOTHING IS STOPPING ME. However, I think there is danger in trying to figure out the outcome of one's life at such a young age. I am young. I'll admit it. haha. I don't know why some people have a hard time admitting that age does correlate with experience and the less years that you have lived, the less experience that you have. Some people are able to gain more from fewer experiences than others however, but still... I don't know NEARLY as much as I hope to gather in the upcoming years.

Anyways, if you are a frequent blog stalker, you probably saw my "life plan" going to LB state, fashion merchandising, a dog, the whole 9 yards. However, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. I am what you would call an "active agonizer". I make my decisions by deciding on something then feeling it out for a little bit, literally agonizing over the possibilities that arise from a given choice. To the average person capable of cognitive processes would assume that I am the most indecisive person ever, and even may appear to be indifferent. However, that is not the case. I am constantly running over in my mind what exactly I want from life, and what is important to me.

Since ending a relationship, one life plan gave way to another: Long Beach. However, these lists of things to accomplish take away from the whole point of the human condition. Constant analyzation and adjustment. Of course, it's easier once accomplishing a tast to have another one waiting in order to avoid the agonizing that comes from uncertainty of the next step. However, I have learned that LIFE PLANS DON'T WORK. This is not to say that one should "go with the flow" that is irresponsible. One should ALWAYS be working, aspiring towards something.

Once letting go of the step by step life plan, I have developed a real life plan. One that is void of accomplisments or to do's. It is quite simple but it consists of this simple statement:

FIND AS MUCH GOOD AS POSSIBLE, BECAUSE IT IS FROM GOOD THAT TRUTH STEMS AND HAPPINESS IS FOUND.

This statment probably just sounds like common sense. Of course, everyone wants to be a good person, right. However, when you actually adopt this way of viewing things, I can testify that your life with change. When you allow fear, (which is not good) to leave there is a freedom that comes from seeking out good and peace that replaces that fear. I admit that I have let fear stop me from achieving what I truly want. For example, I have let the fear of "not finding anyone else/better" take control of my actions, and stayed in something longer than i should have. However, when I looked for good and peace, that fear vanished and I became whole as an individual independent of anyone esle confident that I would find better. Little did I know that better was just around the corner...

Meet Andy:

I have never been to be one of those girls that NEEDS to be in a realtionship in order to validate my own self worth. I LOVE being single : ) I wasn't seriously looking for anyone else, just having fun being single and looking for hope, that there were such things as GOOD GUYS. This is where Andy popped up. I saw him on my cousin megan's facebook in her pictures and was friends with all of my fresno friends. I thought you was verrryyyy attractive and so i sent him a message and the rest is history. We started talking while in ohio, and the very night that I came into town in fresno we went on a date. haha. I was the one telling him how much I hated boys, and that I didn't really want to go out, because boys are all the same. Andy has proven to me that all guys arent the same, and for that I am so grateful. Most importantly, I have found SO MUCH GOOD spending time with him, therefore accomplishing my life plan.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Everything is just falling into place... not to say that things just happen without effort or pain. I have been through pain, anxiety, many sleepless nights. It's not easy leaving behind what you know is no longer good for something, even though you know what is ahead will be easier. BUT, it is worth it. From all of this good entering my life, and seeking good I feel like I have achieved genuine happiness and not just counterfit happiness. I am ready to take on this crazy world, one step at a time.